Lost

Ever lose something that you took for granted? I did over the weekend... could have been anywhere but I think I know where it might have been - little chance for recovery unless I'm totally off base.

About 25 or 30 years ago I received a gift - a gold chain and a crucifix. Since I had it, it's been off my neck only three times - once during surgery, once when it broke and had to be reparied and now.

Sometime between Friday night and Sunday morning I lost it... very sad, very madening... If I lost it where I think I did, there's little chance for me to get it back because too much time went by.

I feel "naked" without it - after having something hang around your neck for so long you really take it for granted

In My Dreams...

Old Dokken song from the 80's. We both loved it.

Why were you in my dreams over the weekend? I haven't seen you since you left NJ so many years ago...

We talk on the phone from time to time and I am SO PROUD of you for getting your life back in order. I still love you and I know why you left, but I can't help but think sometimes - "What if...?"

Could it have worked? Could we have survived? I think we both know we would have tried very hard to make it work.

You told me you loved me and I know you did. I know you still do based on the letters we've shared and I know that you ask the same questions.

I know you're scared of the answers. I am too. I'd love to see you again - but only if you wanted to. I've thought about what we'd do if we met up - how we'd react, how awkward the conversation would be. But then my dreams save me and the moment.

But in my dreams, it was all OK. We talked - the way we did those nights - just talked - until 3 and 4am. We looked in each others eyes and knew it was OK. Your eyes are so peaceful to me even now. I keep the picture of us after that hockey game and when I look at it, your eyes blow me away.

Your mom knew we loved each other. She knew and she approved. She knew I'd take care of you and I think it tore her apart as much as it did me when you left. But you found yourself and she was happy. She told me that it hurt you to leave. She told me how you cried before going to South Dakota. But then she told me that she was happy that you found yourself finally, found happiness, found a friend and a solemate. Started a family.

And then she told me that she was sorry ... sorry for me... sorry for us... sorry that we never had the chance to find out. She told me that it was because you loved me that you had to go. She smiled when she said that and I knew what she meant. You were saving yourself from those demons you faced.

You faced them, you beat them. You survived and that makes me so proud because you did it.

In my dreams, you'll always be... Never forget that.

Happy Birthday and Love always.

Why Do You Do This??

Why?

Why show up to the game so drunk that you can't play?
Why say the things you did when I tried to reach out to you to help?

I know that it was the booze talking, but it hurt... it stung...

You're beautiful, I care and I love you... I'll try again next week.

Why Do People...

have to insist on rubbing shit in your face when you're down?

Why can't you just sit back, shut up and listen every now and then without turning the subject back to yourself?

In my situation do you really give a rat's ass if you were able to go to the game on Thursday night? Hell - I haven't bought myself a beer in over a month! Don't get me wrong, I want you to be happy, but it seems that whenever I need to talk and vent, the subject always switches back to you...

And then YOU get pissed at me when I try to tell you that I called someone that did listen??

I know - we're both going through a tough time again right now. It's harder since we can't see each other and the phone calls just don't cut it anymore... we both need a hug (from each other) and we both need to step back and remember why we're friends.

I do love you ... never forget that...

South Dakota on My Mind...

No - not because of Sturgis either... I love motorcycles, but I'm more of a speed-type guy, not a cruiser/dresser type. I'd rather be on the track than anything else.

I do have a very good friend of mine that lives in SD though and I would love to see her again. There's history and sometimes you can't help but think what could have been, but honestly, I don't think it could have worked out.

I haven't seen her in about 17 years but we do talk on the phone. She's not a letter writer and doesn't have a computer so there's no e-mail flowing. I write to her just to make sure she knows I'm still around and thinking of her.

Anyway, when things get rough for me, she's usually one of the first people I want to talk to because even after so long, she can make me feel wonderful. Just by hearing her voice and knowing that she's OK and happy with what she's doing makes me feel good... When she left NJ for SD so many years ago, I knew it was the right thing for her to do yet it still hurt so much. We loved each other and still do, but there are just some things that can never be.

I remember one phone call about 6 years ago to her and she sensed something wasn't right. 2 days later, I had a letter from her telling me that she missed me and could still tell in my voice that something was wrong and she reassured me that everything would be OK and she's always with me, even from the distance. I still have that letter and won't let it go...

She's told me that she comes to Colorado every so often and just hasn't had the guts to call me when she's here... I think we're both afraid of the same things - but damn it, I would love to have her call and say that she's 20 minutes away and she wants to just meet for lunch. I'd be on the bike so damn fast that she wouldn't have had time to hang up the phone before I got there!

One hug, one more look in her eyes, one more smile and laugh...
Just one more time, but...