Haunted

everywhere I turn I'm reminded of you.

Another one of those damn songs came on the radio this morning as I was driving in. That one has always reminded me of you for 20+ years. Why? I wish I knew...

Love you ... love you always but scared to know what's really going on... scared for you - scared for me - scared for us.

I can't stand the thought of you not being in my life to some degree but maybe being close isn't the right thing for us...

Me and My Big Mouth...

Once again, I went too far, pushed too hard.

Should have let it go, left you alone.

Now I feel like I pushed you away again.

I hope it's not goodbye and that you just need time to sort through things.

I'll be here if you need but I won't reach out again.

The card you get will be the last.

You'll always be in my heart and for whatever I did or said (or didn't do or say) that night - I'm sorry.

I just hope I wasn't one of those things on your "bucket list" or that I disappointed you in some way.

Until whenever - XOXO

Unfocused

So a song came into my head this morning... Candlebox's "Far Behind"...

Thought of you, what you told me, how you sometimes feel... scared of the thoughts

Your silence tells me you need space, time to think... I won't bother you but hope you know I meant what I said so long ago that I am here for you. I will text you to let you know that I am training... for me, for you, for us...

Hope to see you for your big day in September

Where are you?

Missing you... wish you would talk to me...

Wondering if I did or said something wrong...

Wishing I could see...

You... those eyes... burning so long

Your touch... burning

Every thought ... turning... to you

Can't focus without knowing

If you're OK

Can't focus without knowing

If we're OK

Talk to me please

Let me know

Put me at ease

Let me know

The Past Comes Back ... Hauntingly

Amazing how even after 20+ years the past sometimes just won't let go.

You were in my life then and stayed in my heart all this time. I've loved you, worried about you, cried with you and about you.

You've scared me and scarred me. You've loved me and hated me, leaned on me and depended on me.

And then earlier this week you were physically with me. The feelings came rushing back for me and hopefully for you. All of them - the love, the fear, the pain, the comfort. The things you told me made me soar and sink - sometimes at the same time.

You're complex and that's why I loved you then and love you now. I'm still scared. Scared for you, scared for what could happen.

You've been through so much and you've survived. You should be proud and deep down I think you are. I thank God you are still with us because I don't know what I would do.

My only wish is that we were closer in distance but I know that our hearts are somewhere close.

You're one in a million and so many things remind me of you. Songs I hear, things I read, memories of the store we worked at. You inspire me to be better and I hope to God that our seeing each other did some good for you too - that it let you know that you are loved and that I will always do my best to be there for you if you need. I think your mom smiled down on us from Heaven that day knowing that you were safe - at least for a little while.

Be strong, be you and I hope to see you again later this year!!