Pride

How proud can I possibly be?

Even though I got some not so good news when I got home, when you look past it on the surface, I know that my daughter is growing into a woman who takes responsibility, is accountable and genuine.

What happened?

When she was backing out of a parking space she accidentally scraped a Durango with her little Civic. 

What did she do?

She left a note.

What did I do?

I called the woman who's car it was and will work with them to get their fender or whatever re-painted... gladly.

The woman complimented my daughter and that is something that makes my heart sing.

Who cares about the $$ ... it turns out my daughter was listening after all!!  Oh - did I mention she's 16 and has had her license less than a year?  Would YOUR kid have done the same thing?  I'm glad mine did.

How Can I Miss You...

How can I miss you when you never go away?!?!?

3 months and intolerable silence later, I was just getting used to it... THEN I just happened to glance at the page and there you were again...

Not sure how long you've been back, not sure if I'm happy or if I'm pissed.  Pissed at you, pissed at me...

Either way I'm obviously distracted.  Not sure what and why, but there you are and here I am... your move baby.

Silence

Your silence today was deafening...

Your silence today cut deep...

I never thought this would have happened...

It stung - especially after that night.

I didn't think you would withdraw again and if I said or did something to hurt you, I'm sorry...

All I wanted was a simple acknowledgement but all I got was...

Silence...

I guess you want space... if you wanted more I wish you said so... I guess I was just another item on that bucket list you talked about... for what it's worth - it was a great time and I don't regret it..

I am giving you all the space you need. Next move is yours... Nothing that happens will ever shrink that place in my heart that will always be yours... always...

One Week

What will happen?

Will you reach out or will your silence speak volumes?

I'm afraid of what to think and hope that I will at least get a text. 2 or 3 words is all I hope for.

New Adventures for the Little Man!

Big week for the little man ..

Because of the things going on in school we are moving him to a new one - this week.

It's not ideal to do this in the middle of the school year, but for him it's the best... the new school has a program dedicated to kids with his kind of needs. He's understandably confused, scared, anxious - everything you don't want for a kid with the kinds of challenges he has.

At a meeting last week with the special ed team you could tell how difficult it was for the people at his school - there were tears (and not just mine). The principal, his teacher, the special ed team even the teacher from the NEW school!

This is huge and it's one of the hardest things I've gone through... sometimes I am so jealous of my sister who has the support of my parents close by - but me? I chose a long time ago to leave that comfort zone ... times like these make me wish I was still close, but at the same time, I am glad I am able do do these things alone (or somewhat alone)...

Just have to keep convincing the little guy that it's going to be a great adventure!!! I want him to be happy...

Wondering...

Wondering...

where you are...
are you OK...
will you remember in 16 days...

Please be safe...

Haunted

everywhere I turn I'm reminded of you.

Another one of those damn songs came on the radio this morning as I was driving in. That one has always reminded me of you for 20+ years. Why? I wish I knew...

Love you ... love you always but scared to know what's really going on... scared for you - scared for me - scared for us.

I can't stand the thought of you not being in my life to some degree but maybe being close isn't the right thing for us...

Me and My Big Mouth...

Once again, I went too far, pushed too hard.

Should have let it go, left you alone.

Now I feel like I pushed you away again.

I hope it's not goodbye and that you just need time to sort through things.

I'll be here if you need but I won't reach out again.

The card you get will be the last.

You'll always be in my heart and for whatever I did or said (or didn't do or say) that night - I'm sorry.

I just hope I wasn't one of those things on your "bucket list" or that I disappointed you in some way.

Until whenever - XOXO

Unfocused

So a song came into my head this morning... Candlebox's "Far Behind"...

Thought of you, what you told me, how you sometimes feel... scared of the thoughts

Your silence tells me you need space, time to think... I won't bother you but hope you know I meant what I said so long ago that I am here for you. I will text you to let you know that I am training... for me, for you, for us...

Hope to see you for your big day in September

Where are you?

Missing you... wish you would talk to me...

Wondering if I did or said something wrong...

Wishing I could see...

You... those eyes... burning so long

Your touch... burning

Every thought ... turning... to you

Can't focus without knowing

If you're OK

Can't focus without knowing

If we're OK

Talk to me please

Let me know

Put me at ease

Let me know

The Past Comes Back ... Hauntingly

Amazing how even after 20+ years the past sometimes just won't let go.

You were in my life then and stayed in my heart all this time. I've loved you, worried about you, cried with you and about you.

You've scared me and scarred me. You've loved me and hated me, leaned on me and depended on me.

And then earlier this week you were physically with me. The feelings came rushing back for me and hopefully for you. All of them - the love, the fear, the pain, the comfort. The things you told me made me soar and sink - sometimes at the same time.

You're complex and that's why I loved you then and love you now. I'm still scared. Scared for you, scared for what could happen.

You've been through so much and you've survived. You should be proud and deep down I think you are. I thank God you are still with us because I don't know what I would do.

My only wish is that we were closer in distance but I know that our hearts are somewhere close.

You're one in a million and so many things remind me of you. Songs I hear, things I read, memories of the store we worked at. You inspire me to be better and I hope to God that our seeing each other did some good for you too - that it let you know that you are loved and that I will always do my best to be there for you if you need. I think your mom smiled down on us from Heaven that day knowing that you were safe - at least for a little while.

Be strong, be you and I hope to see you again later this year!!